There’s so much people can do in this world, but it often takes a lot of thinking and struggle to overcome adversity, including suicidal tendencies that almost rocked my core in 2017.
It was a quiet, normal Saturday morning last September, when my world shook its absolute lowest point of my life. Yet another career rejection.
Not just any other rejection, where I’ve been declined in less than 24 hours or simply got no interview, but a rejection that hit me harder than any disappointments I’ve had. That’s when I found out that I wasn’t getting an interview for the San Jose Sharks internship, with emphasis in media.
Cut and dry, they didn’t bother watching my video portfolio as I’ve always checked if it got a view. They didn’t care, and that’s when it hit me. It’s an “ass kissing” game, and I’ve reached my breaking point because that was my hockey team, and political leverage is a necessity.
At that point, I stayed in my bed for two hours, feeling that I’ve lost everything, even the ones I loved.
My closest friends and colleagues, began slowly drifting away from my life, at times refusing to even talk to them or might’ve felt ignored, irked me. To the point of unforgiven.
After that heartbreak in September, my bitterness and self-sorrow reached its summit.
It’s no secret for some people that paid attention to my life, 2017 was a year to forget, and a year of suicidal tendencies. Those issues poisoned my body, my brain, my soul, and had episodes of ending it. Over a damn media opportunity?
It’s all I know, it’s all I’ve cared for growing up, doing multimedia projects for a living. Whether people see it or not, it’s my purpose being in this world, and that rejection almost broke me for good.
Then came a self-realization where I had to become stronger, and think about the people who’ve helped me become the man I am in the present. I still had a lot to prove and there’s still a life to live. From there, I got out of my bed and annihilated the poison, resulting my views in life being different.
Although I’m still here, there’s others who cannot say that and it’s hard to cope on those issues. It’s one of the reasons why I never say anything, but when I see people I’ve known, whose friends passed on, deep inside, I think about the individual and its friends and family.
Suicide isn’t a joking matter in any shape or form, it’s really hard to comprehend or even discuss with anyone. I personally had to go through internal hell to realize the difficult implications it can create.
Normally, the best solution is seek help, but I found it difficult to speak up because of those aforementioned problems. Also, in this day in age, failures (in the eyes of people) is unacceptable and you’ll be viewed as a fraud.
I think it’s a crock of manure.
Positive vibes are always enriching, but there are existing negatives. Some speak up, others don’t, and it’s up to the individual to decide what’s best for them to get their point across.
I’ve never shy from both sides, and as Sylvester Stallone said in Rocky Balboa, “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place.”
Outside of my family, I didn’t really had anyone that could’ve helped me like they did. Why?
It’s because seeking help was hard, and there’s no guarantee that I’ll be brave enough or for them to care as to why I want a conversation.
Looking back, just having my family mattered most because they saw my personal battles. Although I was a huge pain in the ass (still am, but for different things), only they could understand what’s happening and why pursuing a career in media is so vital for my livelihood.
I didn’t want to see them hurt, I didn’t want to fear the worse for them if I was gone. They don’t deserve it, no one does.
It’s upsetting hearing about others demise for that very reason because everyone has their own purpose in this world.
While my media career has been a long one at 23 years old, I’m making each opportunity count, something a damn internship might’ve not allowed me. Without motivation, this whole story probably wouldn’t have taken place.
To wrap this up, my goal for those who have gone through that phase, lost a loved one from it, or currently dealing with this battle, think about the things that makes you unique.
It’s not going to be easy, but think about the moments that made you proud of who you are. The moments that you can look back with fondness. The moments that’s worth living for.
No time limit required, take as long as you need. Write about it, speak out, or even just go outside and explore greater things that’ll allow you to think. It’s a healthy feeling when you reached that point of positive thinking.
If I ended up helping someone or inspired others because of it, good on you. Not me, good on you because you’ve made a huge leap that’ll help you become stronger than ever, and doing it with pride, dignity, and purpose.